Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize