So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
