For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
