Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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