Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
