so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
