i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
