eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
