At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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