Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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