I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
