wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
