the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
