I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
