Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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