I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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