This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
