Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
