Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize