I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
