EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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