Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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