i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
