So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
