the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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