I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
