I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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