Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
