i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
