All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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