is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
