I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
