I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i came on her dog
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
