sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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