What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
