and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize