Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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