I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
