i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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