Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Who died my cat blue again?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
