My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
