never play flip cup with pint glasses
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You have to summon your inner elephant
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
