Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i believe in u and ur pee
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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