Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
