I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
