Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
