Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
