I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
