This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
