Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
