i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
