OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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