okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize