I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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