all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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