It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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