i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
