I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
