Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's the barista slut.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
