Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
