i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
